Bitch... Bag my groceries!!!

I normally don't call women bitches in public.  Sometimes I'm tempted.  So I like to think "Bitch" really hard and make them feel it raher than hear it. It even feels better this way sometimes...

I just happen to live near the most hectic third-world-like chaos of a grocery store where navigating the aisles can feel like fender-to-fender bicycle ridding in China on a Mary Poppins cruiser...

Needless to say, it gets hectic. People cut you in mid stride or walk really slow in the only crack of traffic available.  And if you are in the store 15 min before it closes, the produce dudes begin to pull up rugs and put away produce right in front of you with a bunch of, "Excuse me Sir"s... 

But I ain't detoured.  In fact I'll bump the shit out your little ass just to let you know that I am The Blackest Black Man Ever and I'mma get my Zucchini.  Plus I see what you're doing: You're trying to punk the customers to get the fuck out.  "Pathigga please... I got 15 minutes."...

So after selecting my produce I patiently wait in line only to have the guy in front of me begin to bag his own groceries.

And now the cashier is like, "Oh thank you so much! I so appreciate that"
And I'm thinking, "How many times you gonna say that and look my way?" Shit.  Maybe I don't wanna bag my own groceries.  This ain't IKEA!

Plus, I had a long day at work, I just filed a police report against my baby's mama and my left eye itches!

"Paper please." And I got a wad of ones for your ass to count.  And guess what? You gone count every single one of 'em.  "Can you double ply and fit it all in one bag? I'm walking."

Plus, I like the way you bag. You do it better than me and don't you ever, forever ever ever try to punk me into bagging my own groceries, "Bitch you better bag my groceries!"
Next time you better ask somebody or ask me nicely, "You can put the receipt in the bag. Thank you."

And by the way:

Comments

[Mdean]

LOL. Youz a fool for that one.

[b smith]

dpm,

you should recycle your paper bags by re-using them at the market. a lot of stores offer a "green bag" that usually sells for 1 or 2 dollars. it's made of recycled fibers. it's strong and you can use it again and again.

knowing that your helping heal our earth can take some of the tension off shopping at "hectic" places.

b. stylish dpm. you can do it.

[eb0nie]

lmaoo Im over here dyin

[Mistress]

Just came across your blog and this shit is fucking HEE-LARIOUS! WHOO...

You get a bookmark for sure!