On the Verge of Marriage

Is Marriage for Black People?

Like mentioned in the article below, I meet so many sistas that have been married and are cool never ever forever ever getting married again.  They'll "Date" but they won't  even think of doing that shit again (that is speaking of marriage)...

For a single dude like me, this can be disheartening.  I'm saying, I want to be married one day. Plus, I feel like I'm at an age where most women within my age range are either married, in a relationship, or divorced. 

Sometimes I feel like I'm the guy couples don't want around.  I'm saying, "I'm single." 

Example: I had a really good friend who was married and never faithful.  I was so close to he and his wife, I was uncomfortable being around him and his unfaithful acts.  But every time they got into an argument, my name popped up.  I was looked at as the "single" dude.  She always imagined me as this over sexed and boundary-less person.

The irony, is that I wasn't that ALL.  But I know why she thought that...  I was single.

Then there's my female friends that have boyfriends.  Most of their boyfriends are insecure and inhibit the friendlyness between me and female relationships.  I can understand this to an extent.  Moreover I'm alerted that because I'm single, halfway decent looking, and available, I can be seen as a threat.

As much as that shit sucks and makes me wonder about intense relationships, I still want to be married...

I used to dream of buying property and procreating with a beautiful Black woman happily and forever after.  When my son was incubating I thought me and his moms were on our way to being a Huxtable family.  My bad.  We were young and we made a beautiful son.  That's about the best and most honest thing I can say about that.  It lasted about 2 years

Then I met a cool sista and invested much of 5 years of work in a relationship.  That shit hit the fan when she bounced to Mexico on her birthday with another dude and fell in love .  Needless to say, I did a lot of healing and in the end I realized that I still want to get married.

So here I am wanting to be married.  When I look around me, only 2 of my childhood friends got married--and they still are.  They both seem to be happy and in loving relationships. I truly admire what they have. They rest of my Black world around me is riddled with break-ups and divorces. Consequently, as much as I want to be married, I often wonder how practical a thought is it for me as a Black man wanting to marry a Black woman.

I recognize that I'm approaching a phase in my life where I have to recycle the details of my blissful imagination.  Meaning: Much of what I dreamt for myself can still be done, but it needs to be done differently.  For instance, I think I was waiting to accomplish and do things with a fictitious character.  Let's just call her "Wifey." But Wifey hasn't come through yet.  Now I'm 34 with a son and my parenting is scheduled like a DVD subscription with strict membership guidelines.  So like my custodial arrangement, I gotta get creative.  I gotta do things I never thought of before in order to make the best of my situation. 

And in the midst of this judicial chaos and my son's mother who lives with a dude--I swear it doesn't bother me (actually, this is just an affirmation that I read on my bathroom mirror daily.  I can't say it's the truth).
Ahh... where was I?...Oh yeah my son's mother has this white boyfriend
In the midst of my son's mother and her white boy.
My son's mama likes white people more th....
"My son lives with his mama and her white man!"
Okay.  I said it. There.  Damn, (I swear it doesn't bother me, I swear it doesn't bother me...) Hold up.  I gotta go to the bathroom and read some shit....

...I'm back.
My concern is that as we Black People become more prolific and comfortable as the "Baby's Mama" and "Baby's Daddy" the word and concept of marriage becomes more absent from our vocabulary of reality.

I guess that I can also mention the fact that much of us 30 something Black folk came from single headed house holds and single parenting is something that we survived and, on  a level of default, accepted.

In sum, it's my belief that we are here to be loving and loved.  It is also my personal belief that marriage is a sanctified ceremony where a couple publically announces their joining, and the Creator blesses that union with divine consecration. It's also my belief that the Creator did not put us here to be alone.  That's why there is man and woman (ah... some people might just say more than one person.  you know...).  I also believe in getting what you want. My wants happen tot include a Black woman.  I can whisper the details of that in person (women only).

If I really believe the above, I will act accordingly and fearlessly travel the road of life knowing that a divine, creative, enduring and prosperous relationship with a beautiful Black Woman is inevitable--even On the Verge of Dating White Girls.

Comments

[davpajaro]

Yo man,

The blog is on fire!!

Everytime my wife and I look through the wedding photos... It's always good to see yer mug on the "wheels of steel".

I think you will find your wifey. Mostly because I believe we Africans are powerful people, and if we try hard enough we can get what we want. Most brothas in our circle of friends don't seem to value marriage. I don't hear cats hollerin' 'bout getting married. The reasons are complex.

I know I saw many a family destroyed in the 80's. It wasn't just crack cocaine. It was the end of an age. Brothas could buy a house and provide for a family without a college degree in the 70's. Regaen came in. Jobs moved out of AmeriKKKa. Like I said it's complex.

keep up the good work bro!

-D

[Kita]

Keep your head up and neva give up. I know that it is hard, but I got the same belief - I am here to be loving and loved. Being available for real love and committed relationships ain't easy or for those who are weak in spirit or mind. If the games so-called grown folks play would stop, oh what a wonderful world this would be..... Much luck on finding the right one. She is out there, trust and hold on.

[Cocoa Girl]

It's refreshing to read you post, DPM.

It's sad, but I think black women are just as much to blame for the decline in marriage. There are so many women who just want babies - not a husband with them, just the kids. Everybody is beyond a little selfish nowadays. Oh, and very irresponsible, too.

Great post. BTW, I am sure you will find her - and she will notice you:)

[Pamela]

dpm:

Seems we're always on the same tip.

I re-read the "Marriage is for White people" article yesterday and pondered putting it on my blog but, was kind of disheartened and wearied by it...couldn't motivate myself to do it. I am glad you did.

Maybe intelligent, articulate, enlightened, committed men are a dime a dozen on the East Coast.

(I was raised in Chicago and long for a Chicago man because in my mind...they are REAL men who speak on REAL issues...but it has been a long time since I've been back and "absence makes the heart grow fonder"...or so they say).

BUT...out here in Seattle "intelligent, articulate, enlightened, committed men" are hard to find. Especially the "enlightened" part and espeacially the "men" part. Maybe it is just me, I don't want a Neanderthal but, I just can't get into the "Metro-sexual" thing. (NO commentary there - just personal preference).

Anyway...you'll find her...when you least expect it.

Great Blog!

[P]

I am going to piggyback on what cocoa girl is saying.

We are all to blame. Don't lose hope, and keep the hype going.

My intent is to NOT sound corny. . .BUT the one that is for you is doing the same thing:

- Wondering about YOU
- Wondering how much energy she has already spent on others
- Wondering what YOU look like
- Waiting to exhale.

She's doing the same thing you are doing. Working, cleaning, cooking, networking, and not eating sour cream.

She's out there, baby. She will be guided by you in the right time.

Women are ready to settle down when they find the right guy.

Men are ready to settle down when they are mentally prepared, as well as equally finding someone that is compatible with them across the board.

Be still, and wait, love.

[dpm]

Word to the Verge.

Yes Dave:

Your wedding was memorable. That was my first time DJing a wedding by myself. I especially liked how you had your wedding in Oakland. That was true to playeresque.

Pamela:

I reside in the exotic Land of Oaks (Oakland, CA).

To all:

I didn't mean to sound gloomy.
I've been in enuff relationships to cherish my single hood.

P: Those are good thoughts. I'm going to take your advice: Be still. In the meantime, I will have fun.

Thanks.

deepium

[Pamela]

This conversation prompted me to put a post on my blog addressing the disconnect in relationships from it's historical origin via Willie Lynch.

A reminder of how it began and, unfortunately, how it remains.

[eb0nie]

Awwww I hope you find her.

[thespookwhosatbythedoor.blogspot.com]

Yes yes yall. I'm 38 years old straight male, who has never been married. I am not saying that' I'm straight because I'm some gay closeted homo phoebe, cause if I was gay I'd be out, loud and proud and not spreading the virus on the down low. I say it because, alot of people see a good looking, educated employed brotha who is unmarried and "wonder"

My point is this. Fuck marriage! Its an obsolete creation designed years ago to keep the population up when the average life span was 16! Now I say this especially for black folk. I'm tired of seeing these black middle class folks getting married, moving to the middle class ala the Husktables life style and just stagnating. And we don't need any more new black kids on this earth! lets adopt the unwanted multitude of our race out there in the cold like dogs! Lets marry the revolution and grow old on each others companionship in the struggle. Each girl friend I have changes me and I them and when we part we remain friends our race/people work enhanced because of our interactions, then we move on and spread the love. We need some new ways of thinking about things in this crazy world if we are to get out of this hole one day

p.s to the bro who thinks that they are REAL men who speak on REAL issues in the Chi. Forget about it. Look at the government sponsored genocide and mass relocation of black people out of chicago, while all our leaders are silent, heads down, hands out for a few neck bones from Massa Mayor Daley

[Cocoa Girl]

To Pamela:

"Maybe intelligent, articulate, enlightened, committed men are a dime a dozen on the East Coast."

They aren't really and that is largely the problem. The ones who do contain these qualities are playing the field because they know that they are in very, very, very high demand. The women of the same cloth outnumber these guys probably 10 to 1.

[ThatGirlTam]

Yanno...this could be one of those "the grass is greener on the other side" kinda of things...ok, fuck it...I'mma co-sign my OWN shit today. THE GRASS IS GREEN on my side of the fence...but greener? I don't know.

It'll be 11 years for me and Mack this year. Engaged within a month, shackin up in 6, married a year later, separated 2 years (and 1 month) after our 2nd wedding anniversary. I got pregnant, came back. Left again before Ryan turned 2, filed for divorce - and lived the single life (which sucked eggs btw). We began dating only 3 months after the divorce was final (the ink wasn't even dry), 3 months after that I was pregnant again. In 3 MORE months, we re-married and moved back in together. And now there are 5 people in my house! HAHAHA

Relationships are hard...there's no doubt. Marriage is even harder because society and the media tells us HOW we're SUPPOSED to be as a married couple. And honestly, it's like parenting...you wing it til you get the shit right!

There is no correct formula to having a happy marriage. There is no PERFECT person out there...only the perfect person FOR YOU. I don't know you well, but I know there's someone out there who will mesh with your personality, love your son like her own and not take ANY shit from your baby's mama! HAHAHAHA!!

And when you're not looking, she's more likely to show up...hope she's the Supastar (hehehe inside joke) you've always been lookin for...

[bballmom]

Marriage at times, is harder than anything you try to do. At other times, it's the absolute best way to spend your life.

It all balances and you should come out happier at the end.

[dpm]

Word Spooky:

My moms questions why I hang out with my "boys." She says things like, "Why don't you go with a woman?" and "Don't you want a girlfriend?" I think it's funny.

I also agree that there are a lot of Black children out there in need of homes. Adoption is only a part of the solution in my eyes. I think the other part is being responsible parents. Call me selfsh, but regardless of the Black children up for adoption, I'm still interested in the mix on my own genes with another woman.

As for the Chicago thing. Both of my parents are from the Chi. Most of my family are from there--like 80%... I just thought I put it out there. Maybe I'm really from the Chi and I happen to be raised in Oakland. Interestingly enuff, I've had people approach me out of no where and ask if I was from the Midwest. I've been told that I look like I do... Go figure.

Cocoa:

I think you may be on to something. I'm pretty stricty about the sour cream thing.

Tammy Tam Tam:

Your blog is a testimony to the challenge and rewards of marriage. Thanks for your words. It's nice to know that people can work things out in order to be happy and family.

I wish you and Mack strength, longevity, and MORE CHILDREN!

B-BallaMama: Thanks for your stance on "The Verge." Feel free to balance anytime. When I get a chance I'll check you out.

Just for the record: I don't get to check in too much. I'm mad busy.

WORD TO THE VERGE!

[SmartBlkWoman]

I want to get married and I'm wondering where the heck all the black men, such as yourself, that also want to get married are?

I agree with you that many of us are getting a little bit too comfortable with describing ourselves as "baby mommas and baby daddies" that we lose sight of the fact that we could be wives/mothers and husbands/fathers. We are selling ourselves short.

[satisfiedsistah]

Interesting blog. I never knew this about your babies mama, living with a white dude eh? Well, thats for you to ponder. Marriage, love it. Its good for you. And you know I want it for myself. However, tire of "test"driving dudes to find out their not the one's, so the tent is pulled up and I've moved into a very deep spiritual mode, to reconfigure "me" and what I am going to do with my life whether it be with a man, or sans a man.
Ultimately its about taking the single time to find you, improve you, and be happy with you. I am told, and believe to some extent, then and only then, does God grant you that real special person to be with. Good luck to you.

[satisfiedsistah]

Also, just to add, I grew up without a dad, five of us, and one little mama. I saw what this did to our family, especially the men. We need as black people to figure out how to get back our cultural heritage and honor of marriage and the How to of choosing and being married. Your friend the cheater is a person who has issues, doesn't have anything to do with race at all. Frankly, just some advice, I'd stop hanging around him, strange but people with bad habits get encouraged unless they get dumped on their asses for their behavior.
At any rate, I feel you. I hear you. I was thinking of writing a book titled: How we used to do it; marriage and courtship, bringing back the old ways.

[lamorenaenkobe]

As a 25 y/o single, educated, black female with no children who grew up in a two-parent home (and my parents are still together), I, too, would like to be married within the next 10 years. But, it's not something to jump into because of societal expectations. My parents have a pretty good marriage and I know that it takes a lot of work and in today's world, everyone wants to pick up and get divorced when they're not getting their own way.

You really are going to have to see if the person you are with is really MATURE enough to weather the storm that is marriage. In today's age, it's very difficult because there are a bunch of overgrown children walking around proclaiming to be "grown and sexy."

[Funky Bewster]

**applause**

great entry. an issue that is close to my heart i must say. my sister is 22 and she is planing her wedding for next june. in the hustle and bustle of all the fittings and rehearsals i cant help but soul search.
and wonder if an everlasting union recognized by god will ever be in my cards (im 27)
and as one a black woman. i must say that im sooooo tired of the games. and ive been one to say that i'll never marry.

its not that im against the idea. its just that i wonder if its worth the heart/head ache...

[dpm]

Yes, marriage is a big step for anyone. Obviously it requires patience and the right chemistry.

SS: You're right. The best thing I or anyone else could do is enjoy the single life and at the same time work toward building ourselves as a deserving partner.

FunkyB: I feel you. As beautiful as marriage sounds--and is--it's still a risk. And way too often do I see couples crash and burn.

For those like you LaMorenaNKobe, I'm glad that you can say that you've witnessed your parents work it out throughout you life. If I ever decide to take the plunge I hope to do just as good and better.

Word to the Verge and Vergian Virgin!

[MzNewAgenda]

DPM,

I think that I am stuck in a weird cycle of I-wanna-get-married-but-I've-been-single-too-long-to-give-up-control. As a single black mother raising two sons, I often wonder am I harming their outlook on marriage. My parents were divorced when I was 10 and I saw how my mom went from a housewife who had it all to a woman who lacked confidence in her ability to be self-sufficient. Those nights of hearing her cry herself to sleep made me vow to never be in that place. That place of co-dependency. But I wanna be married. I just have to get over this fear of failure. I know that it is hard work and with the right man, I would put in the work required...if only I could let my guard down......

[dpm]

MizNew:

I hear you. All relationships are risky. Even the the best ones. I read this book once that said that "fear was the disease of love."
I agreed instantly and I've adopted that you have to enter a relationship fearlessly in order to succeed.

Even if it doesn't work, you have to get up, brush yourself off and try again.

Just think of it as flying. You gotta keep your focus UP if you want to soar. If you keep looking at the ground, you will find yourself there.

[The 1 your glad your not married to... ;-)]

Ashe!....As all things in life, marriage is what you make it and based on what you believe. As well as what you believe you deserve and truly what you can have. No matter the terms of your marriage, how it is defined by the people within it, and/or how it may evolve....IT'S WORK! For the longest I was puzzled how my grandparents did it for 64 years. A period of time in their relationship there were other women, children, physical abuse, etc. Through my own personal struggles within in my marriage and despite my imperfections...My husband still loving me unconditionally through it all....I finally got it.
Love is giving the person you love the permission to be absolutely who they are.....mistakes, distance, infidelity,etc. all included. Because just as much as we need the good to affirm the positive in life, we need the bad to strengthen us to find the good in the first place. The person we choose to love we have to know as if our lives depended on it, that they are divine despite the tribulations we grow thru with them. I'm not saying do anything that fails to honor self but if you can love another and keep the love of self intact thru the good and bad while both of you are willing to work at it.....U GOT Something...hold on to it.

[dpm]

The 1 woman I'm glad that I'm not married to...: Lorraine is that you? I'm sure. I'm glad to hear that you get it within your own marriage. I think I woulda been out by now...(wink)

[The 1 woman I'm glad that I'm not married to]

... and maybe that's why you think singlehood is for you. Everything is a risk ...be it you place a ring and committ to it or not. Yet, clearly everything and/or everyone is not worth fighting for.
So basically each one of us have to decide for our reasons is it worth the risk and energy of fighting for the healthy loving relationship we desire with this person... No matter what you decided...you have made the decision to be right where you are.

[dpm]

To "The 1 woman I'm glad I'm not married to":

Nicely said.

btw: love your name...

dpm