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I totally identify with this post. I was a reject in high school and college. I've always been curious as to what the attraction was with the black football/basketball players and white girls.


Jocks are used to winning, and having what they want. What is more thrilling to an adrenaline junky than to have forbidden fruit? And white girls, well they can have anyone they want, right? To prove that point they get'em. Often right from under our noses and to boot will do the most scurilous things to keep them. For me I gave up, I was wayyy too nerdy for the cool crew, and way to not into girl fights over men.
So I backed out. Last high school reunion I found out to my deep sadness that Tippy has been very ill for awhile with a debilitating disease. you know I still felt pangs when I heard his name. High school stuff leaves some deep scars.

Don't Push Me

Damn. I mean, whoa! Wow. I gotta applaud and thank you for sharing that. I'm not sure where and what to respond to...

Firstly I think your post demonstrates how powerful the mind is. Basically, he was what you wanted and what you recieved (The white dude that is).

I also can't help but think where this all happened and when(?)... This is just unfathomable for me. Yeah, I saw others doing what you did...Actually, No...No I didn't.

Not that inter-racial romance is abnormal, it just wasn't open like that when I went to highschool--Class 1990, Oakland, CA.

Nonetheless, I'm not an expert or anything, but I wouldn't be surprised if your experience contributed to your marriage or at least sculpted your paths to partnership.

It pains me to hear what that brotha did to you. Plus, I know you to be an intelligent and beautiful woman.

The other thing is that you say that you were a nerd right? Well, my friends including myself fantisize over women--girls then--like you. I mean, even though I was on the varsity football team (we went 0-10 as in 10 straight losses), swim team, and wrestled in between seasons, I was still on the "Chess Team." In fact I recieved a letter in chess (I was proud of that).

(Enough about me) My point is that you were/are loved and fantasized about. My question is, where is the bridge to link the like souls of Black Beautiful Nerds (BBN's)?

You know there is something about this post that I can't put my finger on.

I mean, I can see the power of the mind, the possible wounds of past , which scab as scars in the present... But there is something else going on here.

It just seems so traumatic (The dance part that is).

Lastly, I got to thank you for maintaining your strength and identity as a Black woman. Your post iis an example of how challenging it can challenging it is to be a Black woman and a BBN!


Damn Sis you crafted your experience like a classic 'Bronx Tale' minus some deep psychological why do black guys ('Jocks) date white girls?

Your experience jolted a buried thought in my subconscious memory.

I can remember growing up and my cousins were the highlighted athletes in High School...I asked my Mom and Grandmother at the time (mind u, beyond racism, I didnt' even fully understand my own prejudices at the time), "Why HE datin white girls?"... Being the open/blunt family that they are...On seprate occasions yet very close they responded somethin similiar about the White girls around our way versus Black Girls AND that was that "WHITE GIRLS GIVE IT UP Faster and do some nasty things...In my later years of high school I found out by my White Friends how/why they 'got wit' the Black Boys! Admittingly so, I was definitely not interested in pleasin Brothas in that' sexual way.

Not to say this was the truth for all white girls or any 'Fast' female during those 'Wonder Years' but that was one of my first explanations of Why Brothas Date White Girls... Like many Sistahs and Brothas when it comes to Black Male Athletes and WHITE Girls: BEWARE!

You know, I read your article in its eniriety and I felt for you and all your band aids- Knowing your 'brain" is free and your 'Heart' is wherever it is I too appreciate your story, its truth for you and what it says to the work/HEALING of Black Relationships and Respect for eachother from jump!



Where am I now? Still nerdy as hell, still forgetful and still don't get it. I read science books rather than vogue and I daydream and drink tea in the evenings. I am alone and probably because still black men don't get me. At least that's what I think.
I am not cool, I am not dressed in the latest styles I don't have an expensive car. Maybe all along it was about image with the white girls. I lacked the image. I was a poor nerdy black girl, with nobby knees and funny hair. I laugh now when I think of myself. There is a picture of me in the year book, a freshman, the only one with ponytails, and this stupid wide ass grin on my face like I just stepped off a farm. The Red Cross Club. Only black face there. LOL, I was a piece of work.


It’s unfortunate that you experienced this at a young age. The majority of the emotionally scarring experiences didn’t occur for me, until I entered Corporate America. Plus, I was somewhat handheld into these realities as well, so they weren’t much of a shock. I started off in predominantly white schools (where I got my fair share, but it was brief and I was blissfully ignorant), and then gradually the demographics of my schools changed to very multicultural. I had some unfortunate encounters of “benefit of the doubt” gone awry, though…as an adult dating the “Tippy, trying to get back to his roots with the acceptable sistah” (LOL, I had a dog named “Tippy”). I think some black people, won’t understand this, b/c they have been surrounded with black friends, and of course black family most of their lives. But for those of us who have no choice or prefer to open ourselves up to multiculturalism, it’s a different world. We have to endure a lot more blatant and hurtful ignorance, from colleagues and even “close” friends. We all know how women can be, and along color lines the relationship gets even more strained. Especially when we start to get into or close to our thirties and are still single, some women just completely go cave woman on you. I totally feel you on the “unwritten rule thing”. I can’t tell you how many times, one of my “other” girlfriends raved about the “nice guy” (insert black), that I HAVE to meet, b/c we “would make such a cute couple”(Don’t get me wrong, I can’t stand and totally reject the idea of being set-up, but I am always up to make a new friend). Only to subject me to the token black dude (I realize I may be considered the token black chic in some of my circles), who OBVIOUSLY doesn’t date sistahs, and is automatically at odds with me. While I have to put on smiles and appear comfortable (whilst said black dude recites the virtues of “other” women to me), so as not to scare off the hot “other” dude across the room, who’s been watching me, and I have definitely been feeling. Too funny…my life!!

I’ve never cared about who dated what growing up. I was very idealistic and never thought along color lines. I still try not to. But for a short while the whole brotha w/ a white chick thing bothered me as well. I didn’t stare at this, or even throw dirty looks, but I did (and sometimes still do) feel that little twinge of sadness. And I finally think I know why. It really has nothing to with whatever random interracial couple I come across. It has everything to do with the multitudes of knuckleheads who publicly exclaim how they (black males) despise us. It’s more about when they feel the need to publicly slander the black woman, with lies of lower class, lesser intelligence, unrefined beauty, and hoochie promiscuity. And then have it be reinforced by the existence and prominence of the black male/white female couple. Or by the token black dude who keeps getting pawned off on me, and can’t help but let me know why I should be lucky he is even giving me the time of day. I have to admit, I feel that same sense of fascination, at how they can sum me up w/o having passed two words with me, or how they can completely be oblivious to the only other person of color in the room. It’s funny really, but a little sad at the same time. Especially considering they fail to realize that any female child they bring into this world (assuming they’re mixed, and don’t pass the paper bag test), will poetically be subject to the same treatment…ahhh, cosmic justice. I hate to say this, but in my experience the majority of black men who run in mixed crowds, really do lose themselves. Not to say some sistahs don’t lose themselves as well, but there is a staggering disparity in percentages.

I was thankfully saved in the final hour (before I became embittered with the black man that is), by a brotha who ironically runs in mixed circles as well, but is the mythical man (one in a million) who never lost himself. I never doubted I would find love, but for a while I felt like it would definitely NOT be with a black man. I won’t bore you with the details of our first encounter (even though it’s a cute story *smile*), but I will say, “NOOO, it was not through the infamous set-up”. Apparently, there is hope for the token sistah finding black love…


I should probably add: To SatisfiedSistah - Hang in there, and have faith, because any man you date (as long as you hold strong to your ideals and keep your heart open) will be a man to be envied. =D

ok onyx

ok ok....algthough i appreciate your candor, i have to admit that i cannot empathize with your high school plight. you sound like an intelligent woman, yet you still fell prey to our societies glamorization of psuedo-celebrities. you were salivating and gravitating to all the golden boys, but what about the "ordinary people?" I am sure your class of 'xx had brothas who did well in school and were respectful to women. the whole inter-racial thing is really irrelevant. white girls who want black boys and black boys who want white girls obviously deserve one another. why would you want someone who does not want you, i.e. varasity athletes?


Too bad I don't have your advice and a time machine. You squabble about things that happened in the past as if there was some magic wand I can wave and change it. Frankly you surprise me, at fifteen nobody is sophisticated enough to stand apart and make mental decisions about who they like and why. Most adults can't even manage that. Your thoughts about that are unrealistic and you are stretching to make a point. We are not talking intelligence or intellect we are talking sophistication, and lack of experience. Note: I did say adolescence? You sound very judgemental and harsh to me. Opinionate about commentary not about semi-autobiographical venettes. Clearly I grew up in a milieu that was different than yours so your "take" on what I wrote is skewed. It takes a very sophisticated intellecut to suspend their own values and realities to enjoy a story to its depth and not become the motivation police. I suggest you take a few minutes and brush off your brain and sit and recall your own self at fifteen and remember what it might have been like to have that first blush of romance and with whom. I guarantee it wasn't on the garden variety nerd. And I would also venture to guess that you are a staunch defender of mono raciality.


SatisfiedSistah--your response to that last message was evasive and a little dishonest, in my opinion. I think that the fact you chose to call yourself and your coterie of friends "groupies" for teenage athletes explains a lot about your inability to see more dating choices (Black, White and "Other") outside of the athletic pool. Your male geek equivalents never registered on your radar--at least not your recollections--and yet you seem to expect sympathy for lusting after local celebrities. Why should these football and basketball players not lust after what they considered their most socially desirable peers when you were doing the exact same thing?


wow...that was deep...interesting doesn't bother as much as it bothers my wife to see a brother with a white a sista with a white like "wow"....."i heard that sista"...good post


First, thanks to all who endeavored to read the piece, and to those who commented. It is very gratifying to have my writing appreciated.

Second, I never want to come across as defensive to anyone who took their time to write a comment. Though, I am human, and when one writes personal pieces it tends to strike a cord, very close to the heart. So for those men in the group I will clarify some points.

Tippy was black. Tippy was the guy I really dreamed of being with, for whatever reason. He was clearly not unattainable because someone ended up with him, and my thoughts were; why a white girl? Now I never said in the piece whether that girl was nerdy or not. I can't recall now, but I know she was "average". Also, someone asked, why I didn't give the nerdy boys a chance. Well, I didn't turn any away that I recall. The high school being mostly white left very slim pickings in terms of black people inthe first place, so add that with the black nerdy boys and well, you can see there wasn't much choice. But I would ask, if there was "one" why didn't he find me? Another thing came up in a conversation and that is males reading this will have a different take/perspective. I think that's important for me to note, and for the other readers.
I kind of know when the commenter is female, because often they will say so outright or allude to it. So that said. Thank you all again, I am honored.


I'm jumping in really late on this one, SS, but I found your column to be quite interesting and the same goes for the back and forth comments below.

As a guy who went to what seems to be a demographically similar high school in a different region of the country, I think the point of Literary J's comment was that you probably weren't unwanted.

The rub is that 'Ordinary Joe' -- almost regardless of ethnicity -- doesn't ask girls out in high school. In fact, my guess is that the "OJ in HS" is borderline asexual beyond the 10 or so designated hotties per class.

Or he barely works up the nerve to ask a freshman when he's a senior. So he might have "found" you, but that and a quarter might buy you a Venti.

Just like the late-bloomer gal who's killing us at the 10-year reunion, you're going to have guys who were entirely gameless during high school, then totally get it together during college or after.

In high school, the Tippies of the world ask girls out. They date white girls because white girls run the show at high schools similar to the one I attended. These same "in-crowd" gals that have been clustured together since middle school. Yes, some of them aren't even in the same hemisphere of cute, but confidence, trendy clothing and a decent haircut can help achieve the unthinkable for the homeliest of the homely, regardless of gender. ('Fat and ugly' might be a tougher assignment.)

That's not to say that "Tippies" are black-averse, but it's not exactly coming No. 1 on the list of considerations in terms of dating. I feel bad about the behavior of the quasi-blind date. Perhaps he felt cornered. On a hasty count, I can think of at least two sistas I should have pursued like a hungry dog but chose to rain check because people felt I was obliged to get with those ladies. As "Emerging P" mentioned, conscription rarely works for the mood. But resentment is never an excuse for being a jackass, whether your 12 or 52.


I like your post very much. I am russian (white) and recently broke up with a man from trinidad (black). I was born and raised in Russia (now 22) and have lived in America for 8 years.
I was surprised by how divided high schools are in here, by who is 'cool' and who is not and I understood what mistake it would be if I fell into the trap. Honestly these things stop you from growing and shut off the potential for great things. Weak people make it up and enforce their rules on others. And those who accept those rules become weak. Anyway...
To me, black women are a very beautiful comparing to white americans and they should be proud of themselves more than ever. What made me date a black man? I just felt a connection that started everything. It was cultural connection too (similar mentalities, believe it or not). I still love him and he will always be in my heart. But my family is very against it and i fought with them every day, it is hell, plus I saw some red lights of abusive relationship between me and him. Thats another story. All i can say that i am in a lot of pain just because society enforces that shit on ppl. High school at large. Fuck that, if I meet someone i fall in love with (true love) and he happens to be black, that will not stop me..

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