Is Dating Destroying Black Relationships?

What is Dating Really?
As I approach another year of singledom I watch with some jealousy as people pair up and head off into romantic bliss.  Or maybe it just appears so.

I have friends from probably every ethnicity in the world. And being the curious sort I always have a number of questions about culture and how things are done in other places.  One thing that stands out, no matter if it is India, Africa, or the Middle East; Dating is practically unheard of, and is frowned upon.  Now I would be the first to assert my freedom of choice in everything from shoes to men.  But perhaps that is the problem, do we pick our partners like we pick shoes?...

 

In other parts of the world by the time a girl, or a guy are dating age they have been paired off with someone mom and dad have picked out.  Usually a person whom they believe is from a good family, good genetics, and has promise.  That promise being he/she will produce excellent grandchildren, a solid home and little drama.  Do we have it all wrong? America has one of the highest divorce rates in the world.

When I think about dating now I try to look at it from another perspective entirely given what I have learned from other people. Certainly there is no exact formula for a perfect relationship.  Even arranged ones fail.  But there must be a better way to do it than we presently are

Marriage has become an ugly word. Who wants marriage when you can have all the benefits without the problems.  The problem is that we have been "bamboozled" (I think).

Dating really provides nothing of substance at all.  Dating is a sort of self perpetuating cycle of people through the open doors of the heart.  The problem as I see it is that we modern folks have forgotten that body and soul are combined. What affects the body affects the soul and spirit.

My mother told me that the joining of two bodies is joining two souls.  That is why sex is so intense, and that is why "breaking up" is so traumatic.  You are tearing apart two souls that have been bonded.  Even if the other wasn't a "soul mate" so to speak, and just a booty call you still bond on some spiritual level and the fallout is toxic of it falls apart.

Marriage is a protection  of that very tender bond.  Even if a marriage fails the soul is protected in some way from that awful renting that happens when you have repeated casual encounters that lead nowhere.

I suppose in this day and age we need to think of what it is we are trying to achieve, to always have some thought in mind of our future and how what we do daily, including our romantic life, affects us.  How many times have you come to work, hung over and tired not from drugs or alcohol but from a weekend hoping some guy or woman will call? Or perhaps it was another break up, or one too many booty calls?

Marriage may not be a panacea but it is not the devilish entrapment some think it is.  I think in 2006 we need to reevaluate this institution and maybe hearken back to how we started before we became the diaspora.  Had we kept our ties with Africa and those marriage customs it is likely there would be fewer single parent homes, and more highly educated and happy children.  For me dating has gotten to be old and tired.  I can just do so much of "getting to know" and figuring out, and stressing.  I want my own man, my own home and I can take it from there I think.

Comments

[OK ONYX]

Hmmm.
That is definitely one to grow on. I think what you have just demonstrated is how immature as a culture African-Americans or Americans as whole are. You referenced ancient cultures such as African and Asian. These cultures go back for a millennium, and America is a mere peon in the scope of things.
If you want to know what a child is going to be like when he/she grows up you are supposed to look at the parents, well the outlook does not look promising. Instead of the ancient cultures, where we all emerged from, guiding us they are emulating and imitating us.
African-Americans still have a shot of reversing the disintegrate We can build upon traditions and customs that once bore greatness. It is not so far gone that it is forgotten. A millennium has staying power!

[Serena]

I agree wholeheartedly. Where am i going with dating ..besides spending lots of cash ;). Maybe ill get my East Indian friend to arrang something with her older brother...

-fed up

[Breez]

Another great post. Though I don't have anything against dating, I believe that people have lost the concept of what dating should be. Rather than using dating as a tool to find a compatible mate (which I believe includes garnering family opinion, if not approval, etc.), dating is used as a prelude to intercourse. Once a relationship has escalated to a sexual one and, as you mentioned, souls have bonded, real issues that arise may easily become clouded and ignored.

[Don't Push Me]

I'm with Serena on this one. Dating is is just costing me scrilla. Not to mention I got to weed out the women that just want a free meal or movie...

[SmartBlkWoman]

I feel you. I think that too many young black people (especially black men) see dating as something you do to get to know someone well enough to have sex with them, instead of the way that you go about looking for a husband/wife.

Marriage is of the utmost importance and has alot of benefits but unfortunately some folks are acting like that don't matter. With 80% of black women now having their first child out of wedlock we are creating problems for ourselves that are going to last a long time.

[Musings of a racial realist]

I agree with the author of the article - I feel that 'dating' is very superficial...it's often just polite way of saying that someone is having multiple casual encounters.

[DPM]

Musings:
In that case, at least dating is "polite." You're funny.

[Musings of a racial realist]

Polite but not honest! :)

[trkgal83]

I feel like I date to get to know people and see whether we are compatible as friends or as more than friends.Of course i want the man to have the majority of characteristics my future husband will have but it takes a while to find that out.You cant go out looking for a husband.Maybe thats y there are such high divorce rates.People looking towards marriage befor they've gotten to truly know someone

[curtis]

.. this may be, but all of my friends from countries where arranged marriages are common love the freedom of choice that we have here... then again, they are "americanized" and only maintain their Indian or Pakistani roots at cultural events...