Ah’ight, I think I’ve been holding back. The sole inspiring reason I even decided to maintain this blog was to express my frustration in the relationship arena and right now I’m really frustrated. To make it plain, I just feel dissed—again.
Over the last few months I embarked on an attempt to engage in a relationship I thought had a possibility of success beyond the others I’ve experienced. Needless to say, it didn’t work.
Sure there were some things I coulda’ did differently and I can’t say that I was a perfect angel or anything. But I can say with confidence that I had pure, sincere loving intentions.
Additionally, I was intensely motivated by the ethereal vibe thing. You know: dreams, chemistry, beauty, stimulation etc…
In the end, ol’ girl had a change of heart. What really bothered me about the whole thing was that she said it was due to her situation—more accurately her transition out of her recent, long-lasting relationship with her live in boyfriend. Yeah, I also got to admit, I was very aware of the risk. Meaning, I just had a feeling that it coulda’ went either way. I really believed it and I focused on the more positive possibilities. My philosophy is if you want to fly, you can’t focus on the ground beneath you. Instead, I kept my eyes on the bigger picture of functional happiness.
To say the least, we had some pretty magical moments and I was cool with the forward momentum when it was moving. Then on day—beyond my control—it happened. Her energy shifted from me and the communication faded like a dropped connection on a cell phone. Again, she said it was because of blah, blah, blah and she “didn’t want to hurt” me. But you know what? She did.
Now I do believe that I’m in control of my own feelings and I can only allow or prevent people from ultimately affecting me and I guess I let her hurt me. I do believe that it coulda’ been worse. Basically, I only feel affected in the area I trusted her in: communication.
Interesting enough, it reminds me of another relationship I experienced with a very special woman years ago. She was in NY and I was here on the W. Coast (Berkeley) and we too had a very beautiful connection. After a 6 months or so she sent me an email stating that she met “someone who was increasingly becoming more important to her.”
And, you know what? As disappointed as I was, her honesty enabled me to deal with it. I think it was the first and only time I was delivered the truth and to my surprise it wasn’t as painful as I thought it would be.
What I’m getting at is that this last relationship attempt I was in, in the end, it lacked that up front and honesty consequently leaving me to unravel the truth of her choosing to see someone else. Basically, it's better to have a chance to swallow the truth rather than unravel it. So, once again I’m reminded at how much that "unraveling" hurts more than the delivery of the immediate truth.
In sum, we all have weaknesses and strengths. And right now, I’m just feeling real Oaklandish, and right about now I just want to water my plants a listen to some Too Short.
Were you keeping It "Real" by ignoring communication factors?...
I know in the past--for me--when I refrain from speaking, no one else is in tune with me enough to read my mind. Therefore I had developed a pattern of just lettng things I care about pass me by. Hopefully, you won't do the same.
Posted by: Tinker | Thursday, November 03, 2005 at 02:38 PM
what your number
Posted by: new new | Sunday, May 24, 2009 at 03:35 PM